PRO-CHOICE for snails!

I've seen some pretty sicko things in my day...but...SNAIL-A-CIDE!#@$%$#!@!!!
EGADS, what is the world coming to? What did a wee poor snail ever do to you? I mean besides slime up every available surface with sparkly butt mucous??? SOME of us think that's pretty when the light hits it just right..... and what was once a blank and dull drive way is revealed to be a canvas for choreographed snail dances....it has to be dances...slow dances for sure but why else would the trails zig zag so wildly over the drive....snails can't go in a straight line perhaps?? I prefer to imagine the dance myself, snails in a lovely, meandering and passionate ritual, sliding sensuously over the pavement to music only they can hear. (I myself have laid on the drive way till the wee hours of the morning trying to hear this music for myself, but alas it was to no avail. Perhaps I was distracted, what with the fear of night stalking rattle snakes, howling coyotes, odd clicking from the trees, ghosts, bird chirping that sounded suspiciously like laughter and of course the snails themselves. Perhaps it's incongruous of me but as much as I admire the snails I am a bit weirded out by their cold, clammy bodies crawling over my legs. Call me old fashioned but I like my snails at a bit of a distance, at least an inch between me and them.)
Now look I might be pro-snail but that doesn't make me an extremist. I don't invite them in for tea, I don't break down and cry every time I hear that suspicious crunch underfoot when we walk down to the car at night. (at least not any more, wild sobbing and over 79 snail funerals later has led me to realize that snail crunches in the dark are just part of the circle of life. Plus the neighbors started looking at us funny across the rows of 79 little hand carved headstones.)
But back to the Snail-a-cide, some people who shall remain nameless but guilty actually take it upon themselves to reduce the population of snails. *gasp and double GASP* I know, right????? Why wouldn't any one want a few hundred little slow moving friends about? Ummm...apparently though snails eat things, damaging gardens, over populating the area, etc etc blah blah, save it. If we can't get along harmoniously with SNAILS of all things how in the heck are we supposed to understand our fellow humans?? I mean, it's not the snail's fault he was born..er hatched..er born?? I gotta look that up. Is it the snail's fault he was hungry and the prized plants of the garden are the tastiest?? If I got annoyed at every one with bad eating habits I'd never set foot in a restaurant again, are bad eating habits such a crime anyways? Ok, yes, sure snatching bits of fried chicken off a fellow diner's plate at Denny's might get you some very stern looks, a lecture on proper etiquette and thrown out of the restaurant but it sure as hell didn't get me terminated...hypothetically speaking of course..hee hee
Killing snails raises some deep philosophical questions within me. Like maybe we're supposed to do it....maybe it really is the "cirrrcccccle of liffffffe" (sung very off key but with much gusto)
Maybe it's our job in that circle to go on mad snail termination sprees so we can show em whose boss and keep the numbers down, or else the world would be over run with them....thats a scary thought.
I still think we ought to try reasoning with them though myself, or better yet start working on some snail birth control. EXPLORING SPACE?????????? GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK HERE. How is exploring space gonna do any good for me in the short term really, ok, yes I enjoy the images of of Mars as much as the next person but listen to this, NASA has a budget of $13 BILLION dollars for this year...so I was thinking what if we took a mere ONE BILLION of those funds and put it towards snail birth control. I know, I know, freaking brilliant right?
In the mean time we can all do our part. One person at time. You know how they say it's good to talk to a person in a coma cause maybe, just maybe they can hear you? Remember those commercials about talking to your kids about cigarettes whether they wanted to listen to you or not cause maybe, just maybe your advice will sink in....... Well I remember those ideas....
and if you wanna find me on cold rainy days, at dusk when the sun is setting and the dew is dewing and all the little snails come out to play...I'll be sitting outside reading aloud to them about birth control. "PRO-CHOICE for snails!" An admittedly rare book to find but defiantly worth the investment if you want to educate your snails about abstinence, birth control and population over crowding issues.